i'm always in this constant state of motion. all i do is do. i do do do do do do til i can't fucking do anything anymore. i'm so damn tired of doing. i do everything and i do nothing but i want to stop doing. i'm tired of waiting.
elizabeth wurtzel perfectly describes it as such:
Lots of people get nervous waiting for the phone to ring, wondering if she'll call, or if he is still interested after our first date - thats just human. But me, I can't handle the twenty minutes it takes for someone who I know likes me to call back. I'm so fucking empty. ... I do cocaine to get through the twenty minutes of waiting for a returned call.
i'm tired of the way i FEEL all the time. its like im always hazy and nothing is ever clear. i'm always tired and never all the way there. i never feel alive. it's always the same. i've mistaken this for life.
i also seem to have this all encompassing hate for everyone. when i have nothing left to say i just hate . i hate them for everything they do wrong and i hate them for being better than me. i hate them for having it under control and i hate them because i love them. i hate people who care, because i don't believe they actually do. i hate people who act like they know. and i HATE the things i can't have.
i know it all boils down to my self-hatred. but, fuck that, im fucking tired of hating myself. its so much easier to hate everyone else. its me against the world and i have no one on my side.
but i know this is not true. i have dreams where i am completely, terrifyingly, and dreadfully alone. unimaginably alone. i can't describe it to you. but i've never felt so alone in my life.
its seems like this medication is giving me the worst lows and the best highs. and when i say highs...i mean highs. sometimes i get these blips of pure ecstasy where i've never felt so brilliant in my entire life. i feel like i'm soaring over the earth and my body is a weightless, beautiful thing. its almost like i slip out of my skin and my soul floats around outside. i get this numb, weightless, tingly thing in my calves. but then, i feel like this. i feel like scum, useless, ugly. and nothing can get me out of this state. i have to wait it out.
but waiting i can't stand.
waiting has become the bain of my existence. waiting. waiting. wait. wait. wait. and that gets my thoughts haunting me. and they won't leave me alone.
i'm tired of the way i FEEL all the time. its like im always hazy and nothing is ever clear. i'm always tired and never all the way there. i never feel alive. it's always the same. i've mistaken this for life.
i also seem to have this all encompassing hate for everyone. when i have nothing left to say i just hate . i hate them for everything they do wrong and i hate them for being better than me. i hate them for having it under control and i hate them because i love them. i hate people who care, because i don't believe they actually do. i hate people who act like they know. and i HATE the things i can't have.
i know it all boils down to my self-hatred. but, fuck that, im fucking tired of hating myself. its so much easier to hate everyone else. its me against the world and i have no one on my side.
but i know this is not true. i have dreams where i am completely, terrifyingly, and dreadfully alone. unimaginably alone. i can't describe it to you. but i've never felt so alone in my life.
its seems like this medication is giving me the worst lows and the best highs. and when i say highs...i mean highs. sometimes i get these blips of pure ecstasy where i've never felt so brilliant in my entire life. i feel like i'm soaring over the earth and my body is a weightless, beautiful thing. its almost like i slip out of my skin and my soul floats around outside. i get this numb, weightless, tingly thing in my calves. but then, i feel like this. i feel like scum, useless, ugly. and nothing can get me out of this state. i have to wait it out.
but waiting i can't stand.
waiting has become the bain of my existence. waiting. waiting. wait. wait. wait. and that gets my thoughts haunting me. and they won't leave me alone.
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