i'm always in this constant state of motion. all i do is do. i do do do do do do til i can't fucking do anything anymore. i'm so damn tired of doing. i do everything and i do nothing but i want to stop doing. i'm tired of waiting.
elizabeth wurtzel perfectly describes it as such:

Lots of people get nervous waiting for the phone to ring, wondering if she'll call, or if he is still interested after our first date - thats just human. But me, I can't handle the twenty minutes it takes for someone who I know likes me to call back. I'm so fucking empty. ... I do cocaine to get through the twenty minutes of waiting for a returned call.

i'm tired of the way i FEEL all the time. its like im always hazy and nothing is ever clear. i'm always tired and never all the way there. i never feel alive. it's always the same. i've mistaken this for life.
i also seem to have this all encompassing hate for everyone. when i have nothing left to say i just hate . i hate them for everything they do wrong and i hate them for being better than me. i hate them for having it under control and i hate them because i love them. i hate people who care, because i don't believe they actually do. i hate people who act like they know. and i HATE the things i can't have.

i know it all boils down to my self-hatred. but, fuck that, im fucking tired of hating myself. its so much easier to hate everyone else. its me against the world and i have no one on my side.

but i know this is not true. i have dreams where i am completely, terrifyingly, and dreadfully alone. unimaginably alone. i can't describe it to you. but i've never felt so alone in my life.

its seems like this medication is giving me the worst lows and the best highs. and when i say highs...i mean highs. sometimes i get these blips of pure ecstasy where i've never felt so brilliant in my entire life. i feel like i'm soaring over the earth and my body is a weightless, beautiful thing. its almost like i slip out of my skin and my soul floats around outside. i get this numb, weightless, tingly thing in my calves. but then, i feel like this. i feel like scum, useless, ugly. and nothing can get me out of this state. i have to wait it out.

but waiting i can't stand.

waiting has become the bain of my existence. waiting. waiting. wait. wait. wait. and that gets my thoughts haunting me. and they won't leave me alone.

beach house devotion

Beach House sorta changed my life. I know that's an overused phrase nowadays but they really did change something. Their new album, Devotion, is fucking stellar. I've never felt so INTO an album since i discovered doolittle by the pixies. I don't usually expect much out of new bands these days, because ive been delving more into the vast realm of "vintage" music at my fingertips, but Devotion certainly sounds like its been around a while. The whole album is so beautifully done. The progression, the lyrics, Victoria Legrand's deep voice. It's all amazing. The album has a light, airy, transient feel to it. Which made it perfect to listen to on a breezy day at the beach, which is when i first started listening to Devotion. Now, everytime I listen to this album I feel like im at the beach, and in the presence of geniuses. I love the way it invokes this sort of cold feeling inside me. Its cold, yet warm and conjurs images of sexx on the beaches. It makes me feel lonely...yet supremely satisfied. I pretty much like all the tracks off it too. So thats a plus.

GET THIS ALBUM! ASAP

there's only one thing that I want to do to you.

i have a chem test tommorow that i'm freaking about about. i took a series of mysterious pills that are supposed to help me "relax, naturally." fuck that. i cannot fail this chem test!!! i will get kicked out of private school.

i go back and forth whether i like my school or not.
sometimes i love it. most days i hate it.
there is a serious lack of cultured, cool kids. most of them are just mass-produced high school students that drive me absolutely insane.
frequently, i will just stare people down if they challenge me. mostly they have no balls so i always win. i have nothing to lose and it feels great. high school is so over, before it really began.

maybe the reason me and zoe stick around is because of the teachers. ;)
nah, we come back because of the diamonds in the rough. the people that keep us sane, because they are even more insane than us. the people that smoke too much pot, or listen to too much music, or just our best friends who will love us no matter what. we like the juniors who wear tool shirts, we like the weirdos who hang around a hole in the wall, we like to make fun of the bitchy sophomore girls and a certain soulless senior.

i have fun.

i feel changed.

spring break changed me somehow.

i just feel like a totally different person.

its so weird.

its good tho. it feels real nice.

WATCH THESE! they personify my life.

im in love with a face that doesn't exist.

so i found this photo while searching for photos of paul westerberg who is my hero.
now, that is paul on the right of course.

i'd just like to comment on the fact that this kid....(who looks completly bewildered) DOES NOT BELONG IN THIS PICTURE. like holey sweet jesus, look at his face. he's liek "oh christ, another drunk guy they made me pose with in this huge fucking sweatshirt that hangs off my prepubescent shoulders. DOHHH! IM AN IDIOT"


yea. this picture was distracting

love my way

so. i've been sick all weeek and i haven't moved from my bed. but today I am going to school, im sucking it up and facing all the pissed off teachers that will be awaiting me. i've been going through this Doors phase...I can't listen to anything but the doors, the rest just sounds like crap. I hate going through phases like this. Its annoying.
Anyhoo, the David CD finally came in the mail. So me and zoe are rocking out.

Tomorrow I leave for marco island...@ 4 AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like jesus christ, thats way to early. I'm gunna die.
Ima need to listen to sum MGMT.

Today I was thinking about all the useless crap I know. And all the important crap I don't know.
I couldn't tell you who opened up european trade routes to asia....but i can tell you that the LA based band, theIcarus Line, spray painted $ucking Dick$ on the Strokes' van. I can also tell you that Steve Aoki's gear was stolen by a drugged out freakazoid who promptly returned it. I can tell you a lot more things. Just not anything of substance.

lockett pundt: HERO.

that is all.

i am a girl with a lot of cocaine

sometimes i want to run around in my underwear, wearing a man's dress shirt with a big, wet bottle of wine in my hands. i know exactly how this will look too. i will probably be wearing tortoiseshell wayfarers and thick socks so i can slide around on the hardwood floors. my hair will probably resemble an unkempt rats nest and certainly there will be bags the size of my grandmothers purse under my eyes. i wont be sober, and you wont be either. black eyemakeup from last night won't be washed off. lipstick stained glasses are scattered on his coffee table. i will finish off everyones drink.

i'm skipping class...

a lo-fi mix for the rich and spoiled honeys

we are spoiled here in dallas. i think its time for a lo-fi mix of dirty sidewalk rock!

1. Love Is A Deserter -- The Kills
2. The Good Ones -- The Kills
3. U.R.A. Fever -- The Kills
4. Yuri-G -- PJ Harvey
5. The Slow Drug -- PJ Harvey
6. Kool Thing -- Sonic Youth
7. Sugar On my Tongue -- Talking Heads
8. Rory Rides Me Raw -- The Vaselines
9. Dancing in the moonlight -- Van Morrison
10. Kiss Off - Violent Femmes.



TELL ME WHAT U THINK, SUCKERSSSSSSSS!